So, I didn’t write a blog last month, September I had a guest speaker, and in August I wrote the blog a month late. I kept hitting a wall, a wall in the form of questions. I’d think about the blog and get all my writing stuff ready, but the topics I had thought about writing a few months ago just seemed forced. So, I dropped them and approached some questions: What story do you have to tell? What are you learning? What is inspiring you?
I’ve tried very convincingly to tell myself that it was due to my outrageous busyness of this season of life that I am unable to answer questions such as these right now… but that was only an excuse. It wasn’t until recently when I was reading what another woman had to say that I realized my issue is that, I’m trying to write someone else’s story not my own.
Every time over these past months that I’ve gone to write, I’ve wanted my life to look a certain way and have my blog reflect that. I wanted to be that woman the one who actually seems to be able to balance her multiple jobs, maintain healthy friendships, have a strong walk with the Lord, investing and serving others, eating well, exercising, and keeping up with my blog; You know the girl who does everything and still manages to actually keep up with her laundry while doing all that, with only having one day “off” a week.
When I realized that I didn’t fit into that mold, that I didn’t even know I was trying so hard to replicate, I neglected to look into what MY story actually is in this season of life. I couldn’t see my fruit because I was looking for oranges to grow off of a grapevine. Impossible, I know right. It’s not that I wanted my life to look perfect or anything, but at least just to look orderly, balanced, and imperfect in the ways I could control.
I started to realize that I’d been putting the image I wanted to see in myself in front of the mirror of who I really am. It created confusion when I would move around and wiggle my arms to see that the image didn’t move as I did. The realization was that, If I’m taking up energy to see the person others want me to be or I want myself to be, I will run out of energy and won’t be able to see who I truly am and what I was created to be.
My life is far from perfect. These days I often feel like I’m a flamingo trying to balance on my one leg while balancing my responsibilities on my head, dodging all the fish that are falling from the sky… track with me, it’s a long way of telling you that I’ve lately been in a state of imbalance, frustration, and confusion. It seems as though I’ve gotten lost searching to find and fix the beauty in the chaos, when I was only meant to admire it. This is my season. I’ve made some decisions in which I have not completely thought through, decisions based off fear, and bitterness, but I also have made grace filled ones, and decisions based off of love. All of these have lead me to where I am. I put WAY too much on my plate in order to distract myself from the loneliness that comes with not having many people my age around, I eat a lot of junk food, and hey I’m working on the laundry thing too. However, this has been where I’m at in life and if you’re somewhere similar and can relate, IT’S OKAY! There are many things in the midst of all the chaos that needed to happen to prepare me for this next season I’m walking into.
Life is definitely going to be different, I’ve lost some good friends, made some new ones, and am reconnecting with old ones. I’m moving out of my parents house in to my own apartment for my first time. God is teaching me so much about who I am, releasing control, and being at peace with my journey and it’s seasons. Work is still going to be crazy but I love my job, and it’s not taken lightly that I am beyond blessed to do a job I LOVE. I don’t know what this new season will hold, but I can’t wait to see what the Lord does!