I just want to start by saying this month I’m getting real vulnerable, not just for the sake of being vulnerable but for those out there who are struggling. For the girls (or guys) who have sat in my place and let their minds run wild, falling apart on the inside thinking they’ve truly messed up, or are confused about where God is leading them. But this is also for those who for some reason think I have it all together. If I were to let anyone continue to think that I’d be a fool, my life is far from together. So if that’s too real for you then you probably shouldn’t read on. Otherwise, here are my REAL thoughts and prayers with God.
To unravel. I’ve had my fair share of it. I’ve watched my mind tear at the seams of all that I thought I was. To put into question everything that seemed to be the ground you were standing on only to find out, you weren’t standing on what you thought you were all along. You put into question who truly knows you when you don’t even know yourself. Did you change, or were you falling for the facade everyone else had been falling for? The only words I could hold onto:
What does that even mean? What about when I don’t do what I’m called to do? Does that change who I am? Am I defined by my mistakes? Clearly I wasn’t truly listening to God if I allowed someone who broke my heart into my life… I never should have let him in.
Wait wait wait! Breatheeeee.
I feel. Because I feel, I feel pain. Pain that takes time to heal. If I think about it too long I feel sick to my stomach and isolated. I use to believe that the unraveling of myself was a consequence for ignoring what God had told me, but this time I didn’t understand. God, this time I thought I was following you, where did I mess up? Because here I am completely unraveled, with all the questions that came in with the pain.
Funny thing, my questioning of everything, and my pain weren’t consequences as a result of a wrong choice. For a minute there I thought I heard you wrong God. It sounded like you were trying to tell me that you chose to unravel all that I am as a result of seeking your will in the situation… that can’t be right. In that split second bitterness was trying to enter my heart. Bitterness brought of my own ignorance. But then these words sank deep into my being, closing all the doors and sealing all the windows that bitterness loves to walk through…
“He UNRAVELS because He loves us, He loves us, therefore He UNRAVELS us.”
Making that Choice with my hands open and eyes looking for Abba’s direction, that is what led me into the season of having all I know so well be flipped upside down. From the very first day I see the unraveling of my pride a girl who thought she knew it all and didn’t need anyone else’s help. I see the unraveling of my hard heart towards people, the promises He was trying to show me. And like I said the unraveling of all I thought I was which included my insecurities, and self confidence that was rooted in who I had made myself to be and not from HIm who gave me everything. So many more things… my standards, my pain, my comfort zone, my fear of intimacy with God, my relationships with my family, and even my view on who I thought God was. Everything was put into question, and it wasn’t until he spoke those words that it started to make sense.
You see I had watched all of this happening and starting to change and yet I struggled so hard, putting all my effort into not letting myself be redefined, because someone walked into my life. For to me that would have been a punishment, It was never about the him though. God uses crazy things to shake, unravel,and break down any stubborn views that create barriers to the miraculous things He wants to show us about Him or us. I’m learning how beautiful it is to be gracefully broken, there is raw peace and joy that come from being fully exposed in your brokenness and yet being told “That mar doesn’t define you.”
I find this part equally important, that God doesn’t JUST unravel us, He unravels us so that He can REPLACE. Something consistent throughout the Bible is sometimes missed. When God tells us what not to do He replaces it with what you should do or hold onto instead. He isn’t in the industry of telling us to get better and leaving us in that. Nor is he naive to the fact that if we leave those things that we’ve removed such as bad habits, sin patterns, fear, create space for the enemy to fill it with something else. So go to Him with those empty spaces, I know first hand He is the best comfort.
My prayer for you all is that as you walk through the unraveling, and you allow God to take things away and make you new, that you’d be asking Him what he wants you to replace that with. That God would give you endurance through the confusion and chaos. That you would have the perseverance to press into Him so that He can give you the strength to press on the journey He has for you.
Here is to new seasons and a God that continues to make us New!